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This article is a transcript of the Bravest Warriors episode "Emotion Lord" from season 1, which aired on November 15, 2012.


(The episode starts with the outside of the Bravest Warriors' Space Whale in space.)

Wallow: We got our buns waxed.

Beth: At least we're not dead. When we get home, I'm just gonna relax with a nice head of butter lettuce.

Chris: You're such a weirdo. (To Danny.) Danny, how's life support? Damage to vital systems? (Turns his head towards Danny.) Danny? (Danny's just staring mindlessly into space. Chris turns his head to the other Warriors.) I think something's wrong with Danny. (Danny starts banging his head on his control pad and yells wildly.)

Beth: Yeah, he doesn't normally do that.

(Danny runs into the projector screen, and starts running around the room.)

Wallow: Dude, chill. Serious, bro. (Danny starts crashing into stuff.) Chill! Dude! Bro! (Danny stops running around and passes out.)

(The scene skips to the sick bay.)

Chris: He was hysterical, like a regular nut-bar.

Wallow: I noted several whacked out spasms of pain, Chris. (To the Computer.) Computer, diagnose Danny.

Computer: Diagnosis: Danny has contracted Zgraxxis fever.

Wallow: Whoops. (Deactivates space helmet.) Alright. Time to replace his eyeballs. (Turns on laser scalpel.)

Chris: Hmm. Something's not right. I'm getting that weird feeling. Kinda barfy.

Beth: This whole mission has been so whack. (Cuts to a flashback on Zgraxxis.) First, when we landed on Zgraxxis to help King Congletard fight the hardcore hill midgets, (The hardcore hill midgets run up to the Bravest Warriors and hug them.) didn't it seem more like they were softcore hill midgets? (King Congletard screams in fear.)

Chris: I noticed you noticing that.

Beth: Then, when you guys were towing their artificial sun, that moon dragon totally got the wrong idea and kept trying to have sassy moments with our aft boosters.

(Scene cuts back to real time.)

Chris: And then Beth grew a tail!

Beth: Yeah. And I got a tail. (Beth turns around, showing her squirrel tail. Beth hugs her tail.) Hello.

(A mysterious old man pops out of nowhere, surprizing the Bravest Warriors.)

Old man: If you people don't want my help, then I'll just take my good looks (Holds up a bag of pork rinds.) and my country pork rinds back to the bus stop! Pretend I was never here!

Chris: Um...Greetings?

Wallow: That guy wasn't here a second ago.

Old man: Don't let me tarnish your track pants. I'm garbage. (A bus with a little guy in a tuxedo driving it pops out of nowhere.) I can just go die. (The old man gets on the bus and the bus drives off.)

Wallow: We were talking.

Chris: Yeah,

Wallow: And then there was an aged man with pork rinds, listing off unusual cares.

Chris: That's right.

Wallow: And I saw a bus, (Points to where the bus was.) over there.

Chris: I'm not sure what we just saw. Some kind of spectral phenomenon? Was that alien really here?

Beth: Yeah, but readings say he was human. And very emotional.

Wallow: Did you see those powers? Guys, I think that was an Emotion Lord!

Beth: What? No-one's ever seen an Emotion Lord. It's just something weak people created to feel safe about their weakness.

Old man: You talk about me like I'm not even here! (Holding many jugs of motor oil.) Now what am I gonna do with all this motor oil? And you guys already have all the motor oil you could ever need!

Chris: (With motor oil in his hands.) Aah! That old man is bat-dook crazy!

Beth: These scans don't make sense. Chris, I think you were standing too close to him for me to get a clear reading.

Computer: Alert! Patient critical! All major organs failing!

Wallow: Dang! We're losing him! Computer. Sterilize the area for imediate surgery.

(The computer sterilizes the area.)

Computer: Yep. This place is now sterile.

Old man: (Comes out of the cupboard.) Chris wants space chickens!

Chris: What?! No I don't!

Old man: 30 space chickens, go!

(30 space chickens fill up Chris's helmet.)

Computer: Whoa! Heads up! Detecting high levels of space chickens!

(Chris deactivates his helmet and the space chickens fly on to Danny.)

Wallow: Wha..NO! Space chickens are a surgeon's worst nightmare! (Shoo's away the space chickens.)

Beth: I don't get it. Who is this old guy? We don't need space chickens at all.

Chris: Oh no! The space chickens are getting into the motor oil!

Wallow: Computer! Contain area and resterilize! I'm running out of time! (The computer resterilizes the area.) Is the Emotion Lord gone?

(Beth and Chris look around for the Emotion Lord.)

Chris: I think so.

Wallow: Alright. (Turns on laser scalpel.) Laser scalpel ready. And...removing...Danny's...eyelids...

Old man: (While moving Wallow's lips.) Dabney's gone. I'm callin' it. Time of death: Sixteen-hundred hours. (The scene zooms out and we can see that the old man is naked and wearing a sombrero.) We lost a good one. (Jumps off of Wallow's back.) Woop!

Wallow: Ah! Come on, man!

Old man: I can't find my fresh mex victory hat anywhere. Anyone seen it?

Wallow: Please, (Tears up.) Danny's gonna die if I don't-

Old man: Cashews in your mouth!

(The Bravest Warriors start vomiting cashews.)

Computer: Unauthorizd cashews!

(The vomiting stops.)

Chris: That is enough! Come out here and fight me, villain!

Old man: Yoo-hoo!

Chris: It was you, wasn't it?!

Old man: (Pops up from behind a pipe) Over here!

Chris: You caused all the freaky stuff on Zgraxxis!

(The old man turns into a jug of water and whistles at Chris.)

Chris: You're irrational, irresponsible, (Drinks the old man and breaks the jug.)

Old man: (As a slice of pizza.) Marco!

Beth: Polo.

Chris: (Picks up the old man pizza and shaks him.) Overly emotional and unattractive!

Old man: (As a flower.) Don't shoot at me!

Chris: And you're the reason Danny's gonna die! (Throws the old man's pot onto the ground.)

Beth: Chris, calm down.

Chris: Aren't you?!

Old man: (Naked while wearing a sombrero and sitting on a bomb. Dynamite is also in his sombrero.) Don't fire lasers in this direction.

Chris: (Prepares to fire a laser at the old man.) AREN'T YOU?!!!!

Beth: Chris, don't!

(Chris screams while he fires a laser at the old man. Lasers fly out of the ship.)

Old man: I cannot train him. He's not ready.

Chris: What are you talking about?!

Old man: I was prepared to begin you on the path towards your destiny. But you are too young. Self-obsorbed. And impatient.

Chris: What destiny? You wanna train me? Wait a minute!

Old man: No more space chickens. (The space chickens disappear.) No more tail. (Beth's tail disappears.)

Beth: Aww.

Old man: And your little friend, Dandy, healed.

Danny: (Wakes up.) Hey, hey, hey! (Squeezes Wallow's butt.) I feel fresh as the dickens!

Old man: One day, Chris Kirkman, you will know the full extent of your power. But not now. One day, I will return.

Chris: Wait, me? I'm gonna have powers?! Are you kidding?!

Old man: Yeah, I'm kidding! 500 chocolate puppies! (puts on a motorcycle helmet.) Gotta blow! (Rides off on a moped. 500 chocolate puppies appear.)

Danny: This is the best day of my life!